On Mother's Day

Mother. The word alone, mother, can hold not only many reactions and emotional tethers, but equally a nuance of identities. Some mother themselves, some have had an incredibly bonded lifetime with their mother, others a mother they were not birthed from but who embodied the title in every way, and more. There are mothers who birthed their child, mothers who birthed into motherhood by way of another, mothers who have lost their child, and again, many more versions of what it is to mother.

Personally, I am days away from celebrating my third Mother's Day. A day I am eternally grateful to be able to celebrate. My philosophy though, around the day, may be different. While some who hold this title may desire a day to be acknowledged, a day to rest, a day to be catered to, or simply celebrated, I find myself deep in honoring my child. I find that it is a day to of course honor my own efforts, yet being a mother and having the honor of the experience, would not be possible without her existence. The layers of healing that have occurred in almost three years, were uprooted and alchemized by her arrival. We are intrisincally woven together, for a child is what makes a mother possible.

A hard truth for some, though not intended to be delivered that way, is this: our children do not owe us anything. They are not obligated to roll out the red carpet on Mother's Day (or Father's Day). They are not here to serve us and make us feel like we are doing a good job. They are not here to do our emotional labor, to make sure we are fulfilled in our parenting, or mold themselves to who we want them to be. They are not here to carry our burdens that are ours to heal and resolve within. They are here to be the mirror that continuously holds the offering into our fragmented parts that must be called home to our own hearts. And with all of that being said, a child who feels a connection to their parent, who feels that they have been deeply seen, loved, respected, accepted, and acknowledged for all who they are, will find it absolutely exciting and joyful to celebrate their mother (or father or parent or guardian). It will come from a place of desire, rather than obligation or performance.

Our children are sacred beings who, in their early years, experience their sense of self through their relationship with their parents. In American culture, we are obsessed with children being strong, independent, and successful, and yet we have generations filled with vast inner turmoil whose unmet wounds are being projected outwards, in every direction. Babies are birthed, mothers return to work or stay at home full time in the early years, and we move on without thought. If we want to see a change in our society, it starts with honoring the mother and baby from the beginning, as one of the most sacred dyads on earth.

There is great hope as the tides in parenting are changing and are encouraging connection, validation, and attunement. We are learning more about emotion and nervous system regulation, attachment, healthy relationships, communication, and safety as markers for a solid foundation within, that can cultivate a lifetime of confidence, self-assurance, resilience, and connectedness. We are shifting away from the implications of survival mode, chronic emotional neglect, long term trauma and moving into tenderness, groundedness, and awareness. One of the biggest factors? Our own healing.

So, my ask for Mother's Day looks something like this: let's spend the day together celebrating one another and holding deep gratitude for our relationship. I can certainly receive whatever acknowledgement is being offered. Additionally, let's reflect on this sacred dance, how we are evolving paralell to one another, the love, the growth, the healing, the joy, and everything in between. One cannot exist without the other, and what an honor to be woven for a lifetime. And however you choose to experience your Mother's Day, is perfect for you.

Just one more note: I cannot possibly cover the amount of systemic factors that mothers are faced with that reinforce trauma, emotion dysregulation, scarcity, and an inability to be present for their children in the ways they would hope to be. The writing above is a general expression, but simply cannot capture how fractured our systems are. Always discern when reading anything on the internet and hold true what resonates with you.