Why I Stopped Being Strong

When I was 16 years old, I lost my dad to cancer. Our relationship was very complicated and he doesn't know (at least in human form) that our relationship was a significant influence in my personal evolution, one that I am forever grateful for. At the time of his death, I remember the LiveStrong campaign by Lance Armstrong was prominent, and people were wearing yellow bracelets with the slogan. I wore them proud, and remember putting "LiveStrong" in my AIM profile (hello millenials!) His slogan became a declaration for my coping and way of living. Until it almost swallowed me.

I remember, at that time, telling myself I had to "be strong", especially when I was upset. I had to hold it together for everyone around me. I had to check in on everyone else to make sure that they were okay. The problem is that being strong meant repressing all of my feelings. So when the grief came up in the form of rage, I felt rage compounded by shame for even allowing myself to falter from the perfect image of strength. It undeniably affected every area of my life.

Fast forward to when I started my own healing path, seeing my first and then second therapist into my early twenties, that I had to unlearn and relearn that this strength that I had been carrying wasn't so much about holding it all together as it was about recognzing what survival mode looked like. It was about understanding self-preservation and allowing myself to release the grip on emotionally monitoring everyone around me with a pulse. I had to make a choice to let go of being strong in order to let go of being in survival.

Over time, I stopped being strong and I started being soft. I stopped being strong and I allowed people to be there for me. I stopped being strong and I allowed myself to be seen. I stopped being strong and I let myself be human. It was never about strength, it was about recalibrating the story held deeply within my body for many, many years. The strength I held transformed to become an inner compass, the way I can see and know myself more intimately.

Here's how I redefine strength today:

Allowing myself to feel my feelings and not judging myself for how I feel.

Cultivating resilience and facing things that are scary (also known as bravery.)

Trusting my intuition and listening to my inner knowing, even when different from others.

Letting my needs look different than others, and embracing who I am instead of comparing.

Letting people love me, even at times, in spite of myself.

Defining my responsibilities, and that of another, to keep my inner vision clear.

Perhaps strength will look different for you. Perhaps you are proud of your strength because of where it has aided you in who you are now. However it looks for you and serves you, trust that. And if you find that you're tired of being strong, maybe ask what you are longing for. It just may be what you really need to start living again.