Taking Yourself Out of a Loop

It can be unbelievably frustrating to read self-help tips that suggest if you just think differently, your whole life can change, and in applying said skills, you find yourself back at square one. Let's break this down.

First and foremost, not only is it my opinion but it is more importantly, evidence-based, that changing the way we think about ourselves, our lives, the interactions we have, and so on, fundamentally changes our overall well-being and perception of the world within and around us. Taking control over our conscious thoughts, and shifting our automatic negative thoughts to more neutral or even positive ones, undoubtedly changes everything. It is almost an obvious statement, though for many of us, can truly feel impossible or incredibly challenging.

With social media being such a significant source of information, even on mental health, when something doesn't work for us, it is so easy to feel defeated or defective. Before I break down why some cognitive or thought based approaches are not for everyone, please remember exactly that - these are all different approaches, methods, skills, and so on that are simply not going to be applicable because our genetics, nervous systems, life experiences, and identities are vastly different from one another, as they should be! If something doesn't work, try not to blame yourself, and instead find another way. Daunting at times, I know, but remember, this is your path to reclaiming your life!

Okay now to the point - the loops. THE LOOPS! So frustrating for so many of us that say, "I tried to talk to myself x way and nothing changed" or "I didn't want that to happen, I don't know what's wrong with me!" These loops, or schemas, are subconscious responses that are typically experienced very viscerally - emotionally, physically, mentally, and even spiritually. We get into a fight with our partner. A side of us comes out that we thought was tucked away, healed, done with. To our surprise (or demise) we find ourselves filled with rage, then crashing with shame after the argument concludes. Or, we order a coffee at a restaurant. They forget that we asked for vanilla in our latte. We "don't want to be a burden", so when the waitress comes over and asks how everything is, in a high pitched tone, we say "Great!", when we are actually really upset about the missing flavor. These are the sometimes jarring, sometimes subtle ways our subconscious mind and body have been programmed to respond in different scenarios. Whether it is our abandonment wound being projected onto our partner, or the people-pleasing response of not correcting an order (that is being paid for!), there are infinite situations that will always confirm our subconscious fears to react, in spite of our best conscious efforts. So let's talk about breaking these cycles and re-integrating new ones.

Re-programming the Loops

1. The first step is compassionately and without judgment, reflecting on situations where you were activated in a way that did not fit the situation. I am not talking about situations where your humanness fits and warrants your reaction. I am talking about the responses that are hard to look at, think about. This is your personal data.

2. Write down what your reaction was. Break this down by the following:

   1. My body felt: (rage, hot, sweaty, heart pounding, stomach drop, numb, headache, floating, etc)

   2. My mind was: (racing, flooded, absent, frozen, etc). Include any specific thought patterns that were on repeat

   3. My emotions were: (rage, anger, sadness, fear, devastation, abandoned, left, unimportant, worthless, stupid, insignificant, embarassed, furious, etc)

      *there may be many thoughts and emotions, epsecially if there is another person involved where these projections easily take place

3. Build awareness to be able to create space or a pause: Identify, when possible, the trigger. Start with the emotion as a guide, if you need. If the feeling is abandonment, trace it back - when did that feeling become present? Sometimes we can't pinpoint the exact reason why or the triggering event. This will not change how you break the loop.

4. Breaking the loop: Write down what you wished you had done or said differently. How would you like to be able to react? Do you want to remove yourself to calm down? Do you want to be able to use your voice in the future? Do you want to go for a walk? Scream into a pillow? Hold ice or run your hands under ice cold water? Before accessing any logic, you will need to feel the feelings AND calm down enough to access this part of your brain. This is neuroscience. Cope FIRST - create a plan to respond in a way that is helpful, healthy, and aligned with the vision you hold for yourself.

5. If in doing this exercise in real time, once calmer, you can begin to observe. What stories are coming up? What beliefs, emotions, sensations are moving through you? I cannot stress this enough - THIS IS YOUR MEDICINE. Ask yourself what you really needed in that moment, what part of you felt unseen? From this space, you will be able to determine what part of you is longing to be loved, held, acknowledged and witnessed, usually by you, sometimes there is another person that comes to mind/heart. If doing this exercise in reflection, ask the same questions. I love using the phrase "This is the part of me that holds x", because I can see it as a PART of me, not my identity and my sense of Self. When you can hear this part of you, you will be able to assess whether or not the need is actually something that needs to be addressed outwardly (with another) or inwardly.

6. Here is where the magic happens - instead of going back and repeating the same experience, you get to re-write your life. Here, you get to "do it scared". You have the difficult conversation, you correct the waiter on your order, you choose not to answer the phone when the toxic ex is calling, you delay the gratification of another slice of cake - all of this by compassionately validating and honoring the emotions that come up in NOT repeating history and choosing a new way of life. When I tell you the subtle shifts have the greatest impact - holy moly they are subtle and ENORMOUS. Being kind to yourself or choosing not to rip yourself internally to shreds for sounding weird when your body is absolutely on fire and filled with embarrassment? MONUMENTAL. It's not about not being triggered - it's about changing who you are to yourself in moments that send your nervous system into overdrive. You are consciously choosing to abandon insulation and expose yourself to your fears because you are completely transforming your life. Does it feel horribly uncomfortable usually in the beginning? Yes. And when you start to feel genuinely worthy for the first time, even if for a moment, because of facing that discomfort and choosing yourself, that is the greatest reward of this process.

7. Plan ahead when you can for possible triggers and HOW you will face them. Plan for what emotional, bodily, and cognitive responses you can expect based on the loop. The more you see the loop, the more likely you'll be to reprogram it. The perceived threat will shift over time in doing this, creating new neural pathways and diffusing the instinctual, subconscious response.

8. You will absolutely repeat old patterns because you are human and rewiring neural pathways is BIG, meaningful work. Expect that you will step in it. You will absolutely go back to old ways. AND, in those moments, your awareness that is happening, is what creates the change. Lather, rinse, repeat all of these steps, and you will, over time, see that your life is actually changing. And you have YOU to thank for it. Your job is to practice, practice, practice, and in time, your new norm will begin to integrate.

This is the work. Be kind to yourself as you move these mountains. Lots of love to you.